The Bachelorette Recap – FINALE – One heartbreak, one proposal, ONE F.

Well Bach family, this is it.

My last in a nutshell Bachelor/ette/Pad recap…. for- another couple months anyway. After Monday’s insane start to BP3, I’ve decided all the words in the world wouldn’t be able to summarize that kind of next level insanity. So I’ll catch ya when inevitably Sean becomes the Bachelor … or maybe, just maybe, I’ll be on the show by then. Ha ha haaaaa…. (my family would murder me).

Actually, let’s lay it all out on the table here … I’ve spent 14 hours this week on Bach-related watching, re-watching and writing. I need some normalcy in my brain. Badly.

But, we have one last order of business before I can go back to writing things that don’t just happen in the reality world. And that is – the finale.

Yes, again, I had to watch it twice since the first time just seemed to go by in one shocking blur. And, I only got around to seeing ATFR Tuesday (what kind of Bachelor super fan am I ANYWAY!?) … but before commenting on the results, let’s start at the beginning…

Sunday’s episode started with Jef meeting Emily’s parents.

A white tee. Really? REALLY.

JEF. Have you ever met anyone’s parents before in your life? Your white tee and jeans just didn’t cut it. I’m not saying showing up in a tuxedo – and I get that you’re hipster ways make you want to give the “I’m real, yo” impression – but, COME on. Even a polo shirt would have been better, figure it out One-F.

Put Jef aside though and I am sure smitten with someone – Emily’s family.

“You want your children’s happiness above your own.” – Can’t count the number of times my own momma has said that to me. Instant love.

Nothing like a pep talk from MOM. <3

Her brother’s southern drawl was delicious, too bad his (silent) finance was along for the ride. And I also loved how he was Stone Cold Steve Austin when drilling the guys. Nothing like an overprotective big brother. Amen to that.

Then it was Arie’s turn to meet the folks. He dressed more appropriately, brought a more sentimental gift and managed to make everyone as confused as possible.

Well. Looks like Emily’s fam aren’t making this decision any easier.#everyoneloveseveryone #whotochoose?

I think one thing is clear, unlike many, many (MANY!) seasons of the Bachelor/ette, both final contestants are decent humans. Don’t ya hate it when that happens? I do. It was so much more fun to openly hate Courtney Robertson. Ughh….

I commend Jef for convincing Emily to introduce him to Ricki. I mean in real life you’d probably meet the daughter of the girl you’re asking to MARRY you more than once … but good on ya Jef-with-one-F for at least making this a teeny tiny bit more believable.

Oh Jef, Jef, Jef… He IS adorable, he SHOULD be a speech writer and I HAVE come to love that one f … but I still think they’re relationship is so high school. Watching them interact on the couch after the Ricki date … I just had to shake my head. Watching them kiss reminded me of spin the bottle smooches.

Perfect couple.

So when Chris Harrison knocked on Emily’s door to discuss the inevitable, was I was the only one who thought for a moment “OMG, maybe the rumours are true? MAYBE she ends up with Chris Harrison!” Just me? K.

If people ever get sick of watching the Bachelor/ette (never) and Chris Harrison continues not to age AND is in need of another profession, I think someone should just hand him a job as a marriage counsellor. Credentials aside, he’s had to deal with more heartbreak than anyone should be forced to endure in a lifetime.

And heartbreaking it was.

This is how Emily Maynard cries. The rest of her face doesn’t move.

Poor, poor Arie. Seeing Emily send him packing was one of the sadder moments I can remember on Bach. Maybe because she led him on to the very last hour? But don’t they always? Why do people love watching people have their heart obliterated to pieces on national television? Because we are a sick, sick society. Nuts included, I digress.

The worst moment by far was when they hugged goodbye and the mics picked up a pounding heart.  That one hurt even my jaded heart.

Painful. I cried – okay no, that would be too far.

And I’ll hand it to Arie (I’m just handing out credit to everyone possible today, it’s the new me) … although at times he’s seemed a little too emo for my liking, he really held it together in the limo. Tony was nowhere to be found and he didn’t lose it completely. Way to go.

And then, there it was. The moment we’d all been waiting for. As Jef-with-one-F secured his skinny tie to match his skinny suit pants (no surprise here) and Emily donned a “trophy-wife” gown that would be worthy of Ryan’s approval … the PROPOSAL took place.

True love looks like this ….. not being sarcastic at all. Not. At. All.

Not that it was any surprise that Jef would propose or that Emily would say yes, even though the Bachelor Producers did an EXCELLENT job of totally making the finale look more exciting than it actually was.

Yep, I’d say yes to this too.

Sigh. They’re good, real good.

And of course, having Ricki run in at the end so they could all walk away hand in hand … come on.

I will say, however, that despite my relentless bashing, poking fun and mockery making, I genuinely like Emily … and Jef. And I really do hope they live happily ever after … but it is Bachelor/ette. My hopes are not THAT high.

Cue the child running into the proposal. Perfect.

And for all the guys out there … if you want an even more concise recap, here’s what you missed: 

After The Final Rose was pretty darn cute … except the part where Arie poured out his bleeding heart – and talked about his journal.

So what I wrote a journal, flew to your hometown and got your name tattooed to my heart? I’m fine.

I feel like if I had been dumped on national television it would be my main goal to look like I was doing FINE at my next opportunity to address North America. Arie didn’t quite accomplish that task. Poor fella.

Jef and Emily did look great though … and talked about a wedding, which is pretty much a figment of people’s imagination’s when it comes to Bachelor/ette.

Our relationship may last longer than the average for reality couples … 10 minutes.

Now, as I said at the beginning I will not be doing weekly summaries of Bachelor Pad … I do have other interests (not really, but sort of). But, as a teaser treat here were my thoughts summarized: WTF.

 inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

I can’t even comment on Blakely … it’s too much. #BP3 #bachelorpad

Recipe for disaster … Oh GOD, Jamie is drinking.

 

At first I was deeply distressed I didn’t see these “super fan” applications anywhere – but holy hannah, am I ever thankful now. I don’t think I could do 2 minutes let alone 2 months with those twins.

Other things to note:

You’re still not cool.

– the complete American Psycho impression Kalon did in the mirror… what WAS that!? And when he tossed his car keys at Chris Harrison … not cool. Nobody does that to Chris Harrison, NOBODY.

– Donna the bathing suit girl sketching Michaels FACE!? Like actually sitting down and sketching his face … on paper … with a pencil. I have no words.

– Ed was actually hilariously drunk. Watching Chris Harrison interact with him was the highlight of the night. I hope he stays that drunk for the entire season. I think you’d have to be to be on BP.

– Blakely’s still cray.

One thing is for certain … there is a WHOLE LOTTA unstable people on this season … which you just KNOW will make for the best viewing experience.

… I can’t …

And with that, I’m out. See you next season and thanks for all the love!! Off to find myself a Sean-replica.

If you’re still craving a little commentary from the nuts please follow our live tweets every Monday: @inanutshellca

We beg you to shake your heads along with us.

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