The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 10 – LOLs, OMGs and PDA on MTA

I’m a little conflicted when it comes to the Men (or Women) Tell All episode of the season … half of me can’t wait to see all the jaded ex-contestants rip each other’s heads off and half of me is like: ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!! WHO WINS!?!?!?!?!

…Somewhat extreme reaction, but that’s why we love Bachy.

I have to say, though, that this season’s MTA was pretty freaking fantastic. Was it Chris B Harrison absolutely OWNING every man on the stage, Emily giving Kalon a nationally televised verbal b*tch-slap or Meghan sitting beside me at the height of her hilarity? Whatever it was, I was able to put the Arie-Jef agony out of my mind and enjoy the two hours of tantalizing television.

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

@chrisbharrison is killing us. Be the bachelor already. I’ll host. #Bachelorette #MTA #TheBachelorette

The episode started by going over some of this year’s “highlights” … Doug’s awkward kiss, Chris’ awkward dancing … Ryan’s awkward beard …

Acceptable.

Utterly repulsive.

When he had his one on one time with Chris, trying to defend his fat girl comments and clear love for not Emily, but himself, we realized something: We liked Ryan in they first episode because HE WAS CLEAN SHAVEN. Seriously bro, you got to re-watch yourself on television – you think you would have realized you looked ridiculous and shaved by the time MTA rolled around. That or someone would have knocked you on the head with a rock and done it for you. Where are your friends?

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

Ryan looks so much better without a beard. It’s shocking. #shave #likebackstage #Bachelorette #MTA

One of my favourite parts about the MTA was that the men seemed to be seated in order of when they got kicked off …. except for TONY. Cried his way to the top? Michael Scott look-alikes get front and centre privileges? He seemed so out of place but in a great, great way.

Own it TONY.

Although Chris was a) wasted b) angry and c) barely mature enough to be 17, let alone “a MATURE 25-year-old” he did have one amazing line in the Bachelor Pad preview that followed:

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

“being partners with Blakely is like being in prison” back on team Chris. #dying #bachelorpad #Bachelorette

Here we go again.

Just the fact that Blakely is even on the show is enough to watch. AND the sneak peek saw her lying in the fetal position… which was her permanent state through all of Ben’s season – ah-mazing. It’s almost to good to be true. Jamie who climbed to bachy fame by strattling poor Ben Flajnik in a drunken and desperate attempt to stay on the show was shown dancing AGAIN. You’d think this would be among the things on her “Never will I get caught doing again, not only on television but in life” lists. Don’t we all have one of those…?

I have to admit, I don’t usually get as excited for Bachelor Pad as I do for normal Bachelor/ette. Especially after Holly won last year (hatred). But this season looks like it might actually be unreal. Put a whole bunch of unstable people in one room and it’s bound to happen, right?

I was, however, VERY upset to hear that “super fans” are on the show this year. UM HELLO. Can you imagine if the nuts invaded Bachelor Pad? They’d have material enough for ten seasons.

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

WHY am I not on bachelor pad as a super fan!? WOW where were those applications. #TheBachelorette #bachelorpad

I think Monday’s MTA could be summarized by saying that both Chris’ were out of control. B Harrison in the best way and Chris-whatever-your-last-name-is-all-we-know-is-that-you’re-25 in the worst way.

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

“Does anyone know what @chrisbharrison‘s job was before the #Bachelorette?” – @katelalu “Full time beauty” – @catkitts #TheBachelorette #MTA

25-year-old Chris took shots at everyone and was slurring in a way that said “They served Jack Daniels backstage.” He also yelled out “SEE YA” when they showed a clip of Ryan getting kicked off the show and then completely reiterated the perfect speech Sean said to Emily when they finally had a moment.

“I’mmmmm notttt drunkkk atshh allll”

Speaking of which … wow Sean. Like, just wow. You could not be a more perfect human and if you haven’t already been offered one million dollars to be the next Bachelor then I might just have to boycott the show for the rest of eternity.

Women all over the world are slowly undressing.

Not only was he (still) smokin’ but he had the world’s most perfect responses to every question Chris BH could throw at him. He was emotional without being a cry baby, hurt without being dramatic and gracious despite being thrown to the wolves. If there is a better man out there I dare him to email inanutshell immediately. (Like, seriously, please actually do it).

The next three tweets sums up how we collectively feel about Sean:

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

“I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world” – Emily … “You’re a b*tch” – @megb723 on Sean going home. #Bachelorette #MTA

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

“I want to love someone with every ounce of my being” – Sean … “Give me a milligram, I’d be ok with it” – @catkitts #TheBachelorette #MTA

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

If there was ANY doubt that a) Sean is the perfect human or b) he will be the perfect Bachelor .. He just cleared that up. #TheBachelorette

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, broke all of your hearts and forced you to pretend to be ready to be fathers.”

After Sean made every women in North America melt, Emily finally came out to face her men. Looking great and Barbie-like as always her shining moment was definitely putting Kalon in his place. Not that CBH (chris b harrison acronym) didn’t already do that, but when he apologized she called him out for being a d*ck on Twitter – posting a picture of a baggage claim and saying he thought he’d find Emily Maynard there. #sorryImnotsorry was apparently his hashtag. #sorryyourhelicoptermightgetbombed is ours.

If you are what you eat, then Kalon has had a healthy dose of cured weasel in his lifetime.

There was only one thing missing from MTA … and quite frankly, it was a big loss:

inanutshell.ca ‏@inanutshellca

………. “Unfortunately we still haven’t heard from King Gypsy” ………. – @megb723 #TheBachelorette #MTA

And then, just to twist the knife a little more for all the men who still have bleeding hearts, they recapped Emily’s relationships with Arie and Jef-with-one-F. Although it’s no secret that I’m on team Arie their recap (AGAIN!) could be summed up with two words: MAKING. OUT. It appears they have done nothing else all season. Not that I blame either party, but if I had to guess what the total count of words spoken to each other during the show would be, I’d say 25 … 28 would be pushing it.

Jef-with-one-F on the other hand….. If he doesn’t get picked he should go into romance novel writing. His monologue which played over scenes of them just loving each other was pretty effing adorable. If he didn’t look like he was 15 I might just switch to his team … at least Ricki would have someone to play hopscotch with.

Jef’s high school graduation photo … class of 2011.

And with that we are left counting the days, minutes, seconds until Sunday’s 3 HOUR finale. Excessive? Not at all.

Previews make it look like she doesn’t even end up with ANYONE – which might be enough to make me throw the remote through the television. But it wouldn’t be the first time those Bachy Gods pulled one over on us, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

Stretch your sitting muscles this week friends, back to back Bachy with BP3 starting Monday. My fortune cookie last night said good things were on the way, could it have been anymore on point!?

4 days, 99.5 hours, 5970 minutes, 358200 seconds until. we. know.

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