The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5 – Where for art thou, sanity?

So a couple of months ago, I wrote a post called “A girl’s guide to surviving the playoffs”. I’m not sure if anyone would remember it though, it didn’t really get much attention…..

Anyway, in it I swore up and down that I am in fact a bigtime hockey fan, which only gets strengthened with the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And, as most of you (should) know, last night was game six in the Stanley Cup final. So it would be fair to assume that this week, I may have missed Bachy in order to watch this momentous event. Right?

Wrong.

I can tell you that if the Ottawa Senators, Philadelphia Flyers or really, any Canadian team would have been playing – it may have been a different story.But, when it comes to the Los Angeles Kings and New Jersey Devils …….

Simple math.

BACHY reigns supreme.

In fact, it was one of our most successful Bachy parties yet. Everyone was present, no one was drunk, no catastrophic accident plagued my household AND Kelly brought homemade guac. Thank youuuuu Bachy Gods for giving me another chance.

The show started out with me aggressively fist pumping because Sean won the one on one. This bodacious blondie may have been considered a sleeper pick, but he’s definitely performing now. On their stroll through London, one thing was evident. They would nail roles in “Barbie & Ken – A Movie.”

I’m a barbie girl, in a Bachy wo-orrld.

Meanwhile, back at the house… (please note, every time I say that it is in a deep British narrator voice) the boys were up to no good.

This face will haunt my dreams for eternity.

And by boys I mean Kalon. This spoiled brat of a man needs to learn to keep his mouth SHUT. For God Sakes man! You’re in my pool! He’s seriously one of the most painful people that have ever appeared on the history of bachelor/ette… and yes, I am aware who Courtney Robertson and Vienna Girardi are. Unfortunately, SOMEONE (Kate) was talking during this particular scene, but sources tell us that here Kalon said “Every date will be a group date because of Ricki.” … Common theme on this week’s epi.

 Back over on the streets of London, Sean decides to take part in a “Speaker’s Corner” demonstration that is taking place on the sidewalk. I’m sure the producers had nothing to do with convincing him to do so… not. one. thing.
Sean’s shpeel was a little lame with a touch of sweet, but the real winner was his hype man – some black British man who kept repeating his lines in a gospel “Amen to THAT!” kind of way. I wish he followed me around doing the same.

At the later portion of their date, Emily got all 50 Shades of Grey on Sean, taking him to a dungeon and calling him her prisoner of love. Not that I think any of these guys would mind too much. Or any guy anywhere, period.

And even with her sick STRUGGLING voice on these dates. Not quite that raspy, sexy voice you hear people talk about. More the, “Are you going to make it to see another day, or should I say goodbye now?” kind of voices.

Despite a huge groan when the date was announced, the group date was actually the best one there’s been since Ben took the girls to baseball. Having to act out scenes from Shakespeare, all of the guys were seriously hilarious. My man Travis-the-egg-guy-Pope was being a hero.

Yes, Humpty Dumpty!

I must say though, like most things, Arie ran away with this date.

Hottest nurse in all the land.

He OWNED his role as nurse and you could tell Em (like all of the girls at our Bachy Party) just love a guy that can make her laugh. Too bad KALON was auditioning for broadway during the episode. He even shooed Emily away because he needed more “practice time”. I would have thrown him off the London bridge right then, right there.

What followed was probably the most exciting scene we’ve seen on the Mommied-down Bachelorette. Doug-the-Dad (fitting) decided to stir the pot a little by telling Emily about all of Kalon’s Ricki-bashing. Well, sweet Miss. Southern-Bell Maynard channeled her inner West Virginia hoodrat (yes, she said that) and gave him a good and well deserved tongue lashing. You coudl tell the rest of the men were just dying to be anywhere else. Maybe even reciting Shakespeare.

Yiiiiiiiiikes.

It ended with Em (finally!) telling Kalon to “Get the f&*! out.” #yougogirl

I wasn’t even sad to see him go. OK, maybe a little.

She then turned the fury on the rest of the boys for not stepping up and saying anything sooner. Which, I think reallyyyyyyyy shows how much she likes Doug-the-Dad.
No rose, no honourable mention, no love.
Think you’re going to be reunited with your lil boy real soon Dougie.

Hood rat.

Jef-with-one-F managed to get the other one on one and pre-date scenes saw Em rocking some combat boots, which had us thinking this was going to be a match made in hipster heaven. But, alas, she rocked her normal attire for the date and took Jef to high tea. Deece sounding British date right?

And then there was Jean …

 Equal parts finishing school teacher, England elitist and crazy old aunt, the 50-year-old hung out during the date nagging away at the two. The one on one camera scenes with Jef-with-one-F were hilarious. Almost as hilarious as the fact we made ANOTHER Bachelorette-look-alike comparison. See below.

Breakfast (club), anyone?

Finally they “ditched” her (insert horribly scripted scene here) and continued their date at a pub and then on the London Eye. Jealoussssss.

Except, unlike Kate and Meghan who have witnessed the famous ferris wheel in person, packed with 20 people a pod, these two got the whole darn thing to themselves. What I would give to be a reality tv celeb, sigh.

As they chatted and chatted and chatted all WE could think was: Is ANYONE going to eat that delicious looking desert before it curdles.

Pristine parfaits.

I guess if Emily Maynard “doesn’t work out” that means she “doesn’t eat” either.

After lotssssss (read: too much) talking, and a dismount from the ride. Jef-with-one-F finally planted a smooch on the hot momma. Which made me internally cringe a little because I feel as though his boyish charm makes him a better suitor for Ricki …. Too far? Fine. But he looks 12.

Both Sean and Jef-with-one-F got to proudly wear their roses to a cocktail party for the books. One by one Em just griiillllllled the boys for not coming forward about Kalon. She especially gave Arie a hard time. WE think it’s because she likes him the most and was the most hurt by his betrayal. And clearly WE know whatsup in the Bachy world.

Catherine Kitts, professional Bachelor/ette anaylzer …. Business card. In the mail.

But, when the last rose was down to Arie or ALEJANDRO (people everywhere are wondering how you slipped through the cracks here, senor) it was a no brainer.

Mushroom farmer < Race car driver ………… Everytime.

I don’t want to go back to the farm, I don’t want to go back to the farm. I hate mushrooms!

And with that we got  a look into what awaits us for the rest of the season. Kind of like being a kid and getting a trip to Disney for Christmas, but having to wait to actually go untilJuly. Practically the same thing.

But, Bachy fans, I will give you a little interesting insight from the spoiler Queen herself, my good friend, Miss. Julia Kent.

DON’T WORRY, I plug my ears and hum loudly anytime she tries to ruin the show for me, so we’re not giving anything away. But, here’s a little sample of the email she sent me earlier today (Yes, we are professionals and yes we send Bachelor-related emails to each other during our work days. Sue us.):

OK so I am thinking this season is going to end VERY differently than any other season so far…

Here’s why:

Last night in the previews, they didn’t show ANY clips from the final rose ceremony. They have never done this before. Every other season, we always see the lead at the rose ceremony in the previews, and the final two getting ready to go meet the lead. VERY weird.

Secondly, spoiler sites are ALL reporting that ALL THREE final guys are STILL sequestered. They may have done this to keep the winner 100 per cent confidential until the very end, but that seems insane. That would be like 4 or 5 months being away from their family and lives.

My guess? This is not a normal ending where she nails it down to two guys and chooses one. I think it’s going to very VERY VERY different. She might pick a guy from the final three and send two home right away… she might eliminate a guy and then bring him back and say she chooses him… I duno, but it’s not going to be orthodox. Mark my words!!!

…..

Clearly, I’m not the only one suffering from sheer Bach-mania. Excited or what?

Bach Pool results!

(the title of Meg’s spreadsheet this week was: Waving a white flag #Isurrender)

Kelly (at least no one cried this week) Michael: 23 points

Meghan (not in last place) Brown: 32 points

Kate (stickler for correct counting) Lalumiere: 50 points

Catherine (life’s good on top) Kitts: 82 points

Oh, and PS – Ryan had a serious scarf problem in this week’s epi:

At least it’s not a black v.

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