Unfavourable men and women scamper through the city streets like zombies in The Walking Dead. Sometimes, they are easy to spot but other times they blend in with the decent. I’m going to give you gals some basic tips on how to spot sleaze bag guys. It’s more than bedazzled affliction shirts and Jersey Shore tans, in fact, given that description the guy could probably still be decent (probably not though). These tips will point out obvious signs of a huge douche. You may be asking yourself, “How do you know how to spot this kind so well, and what makes you an expert?” These are great questions, Meghan, but I don’t have a straight forward answer. Just like women can tell if other women are potential night models (a nice way to say prostitutes) men have an easier time spotting sleaze bags. Please note that if you’re looking for a sweaty romp with a DJ named Sebastian, do exactly the opposite of what I’m warning against.
- The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room. If you are in a room full of people and Johnny is shouting and being arrogant, he is probably not cool. Funny or not, the constant need of approval from his friends should tell you right out of the gates that this guy has low self esteem and probably a small unit. Take away his group of friends and you might see a pretty subdued individual, who probably enjoys the musical sounds of Enya and Seal. Especially the song Kiss From a Rose, a great piece of musical ear candy.
- Tight shirts are never cool. If Dennis comes up to you wearing a tight robins egg blue Abercrombie shirt, he’s probably someone you should turn around and walk away from. If you can see veins through his shirt, that shirt is too tight. Granted, they are probably doing this to show off their exquisite physique, don’t be fooled. This may be hard for some because a nice body can be a real treat and it may be nice to converse with someone so visually appealing. But, the tight shirt is telling you that Dennis focuses too much on his body and too little on his soul.
- One word introductions. If the handsome man who has been smiling at you finally walks over, leans forward and says, “Hey”. That’s an indicative sign of a sleaze bag. Hey, hi, hello and even “nice” are all bad. Come on ladies you’re better than that. If a guy can’t put together a sentence for the first time he talks to his goddess then he probably has been solely thinking of you as an object which has rendered his vocabulary useless. Even something odd like, “I love your outfit, I’d like to bite those shoes off of you,” is acceptable. Although that may sound a little creepy and dangerous, it’s unique and pleasantly honest.
- Minimal eye contact. Now sure this guy could be shy but odds are he’s just painfully awkward. Were not 15 anymore asking Shannon Kelly to the semi formal, we should be able to make half decent eye contact. A man should look into your eyes 85% of the time. This leaves a 15% window to nod at people he doesn’t know to appear cool.
- Weakness in numbers. If a guy is approaching you for the first time he should be alone. No girl wants to be approached by a guy with a posse behind him. Even one guy with him is too much. The last thing you want is creepy Darren behind your potential mate, like Kevin Costner in the movie The Bodyguard.
- Cell phone use. This guy should not be on his phone, not even to check the time. In fact, he should have a watch on. If a guy is texting, on the internet or playing Words With Friends then he is a sleaze bag. If a girl is really into a guy she may overlook this but odds are this guy is not a doctor and there is no reasonable explanation why in a ten minute encounter he should not be able to give you 100% of his attention. Also, if this guy’s ring tone is LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It and he actually is attractive, then he’s a douche. If the guy is a fat mess and that’s his ring tone, then that guy is a beauty.
- Odd proposals. So a guy comes up to you and you’re having a chat and he says, “Hey Tina, we should grab a green tea sometime”. This is fine, even though green tea isn’t manly and your name probably isn’t Tina. But if he comes up to you and you’re chatting and he says, “I’d like to have a green tea sometime… out of your skull”. This is bad. He probably is planning on murdering you at some point. RUN.
- Beards. Having a beard does not mean you’re Noah from the movie The Notebook. This has nothing to do with my sleazy men segment; I just thought it was an appropriate time to mention this.
- Staring. Staring can be a good thing, if he smiles looks away, smiles again this is playful. But if he is watching you like you’re his opponent in a cage fight, this is bad. Again, this guy may want to put you at the bottom of a well and yell things like, “It rubs the lotion on its skin!” prancing around waiting for the right time to skin you so he can wear your hide as a house coat. Scary but true.
- Location Location Location. These men are generally found in bars, clubs and anywhere booze is sold. Doesn’t mean you can’t find a decent guy at these places but you’re making it harder for yourself by looking in these places. Those places are breeding grounds for sleaze bags. Before Steve Irwin died I saw him at Tila Tequila hunting douches on the dance floor, and he cleaned up. Seriously, you will have a much better chance of finding a decent guy doing anything else, yoga, volunteering, grocery shopping, traveling or even lobster wrangling.
From the farmlands of North Gower, just outside of Ottawa, Lee Best is a gentleman and a scholar. As one of the funniest men Catherine has ever encountered, his insight into the world of men is much appreciated by nuts and readers alike. We always knew Robin Egg Blue was sketchy …. but maybe not as sketchy as this picture.
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