The Bachelor – AFTER THE FINAL ROSE: aka JUDGEMENT DAY

Here it comes nuts  … grab a tissue, this is OFFICIALLY my last Bachelor Recap for a few months. Deep breaths, it’s going to be alright. We’ll get through it together.

After hearts broke, tears poured and our male correspondent @Bakkesy finally calmed his rage and rejoined us in the living room, it was time for AFTER THE FINAL ROSE. I think since the skinny dipping episode when it was evident that Ben was going to pick his exhibitionist friend, most people were wishing we could skip ahead to this episode to see how the broken soul is now fairing after making the worst choice of his life. In fact, doesn’t it seem logical that the Bachy Gods could have eliminated the half hour of watching Lindzi and the she-devil do their makeup in the mirror and adorn their capes to include a longer ATFR? I know I for one was relieved to see Chris B Harrison’s face and was impressed with the way he just drilled Flajnik with questions. Hey! If I had received as much flak as he did for not tackling Ben during the proposal I’d be feisty too.

"I'm about to make you hate your liiiiiiife."

@inanutshellca “Chris. It’s about time babe. Missed you.” – @codeshanaynay #bachelor

If there is one thing to be certain of it’s that Ben has NEVER. LOOKED. WORSE. It definitely looked like he spent the last two months reliving his stupidity in a serious state of shambles. Sleepless nights, rough mornings, mass alcohol consumption, careless flings and not a single visit to the barber…. YUP.

Yikes.

@inanutshellca BEN looks BAD. #rough #bachelor

As he recounted that re-watching the footage he noticed things like Courtney’s annoying skip back to the line after getting the rose … it was evident that, like the rest of the world, he seriously hates this broad.

Explaining that they had temporarily broken up when he realized what a witchy woman she was, viewers everywhere let out a communal “Thank God.” And suddenly Courtney’s TWTA breakdown seemed to make a little more sense.

As Courtney made her way to the hot seat we were half expecting no one to clap. But, if Chris had been tough on Ben he no less than ruthless with Courtney, noting the BOOs in the audience. (That’s why he’s our BOY! Fist pump.) God, I think I would have traded most of my worldly possessions to be in the audience for that.

@inanutshellca “Imagine no one clapped?” – @katelalu “There’s a few boo’s in there” – @chrisbharrison #ruthless

Oppositely from her ex-victim, I must say, Courtney looked FANTASTIC. I mean sure she probably had a whole team working on her for hours but … oh wait, sorry. I should probably catch you guys up here. Not sure if you knew this, but Courtney’s a model. Might have been quickly mentioned once or twice on the program. Now you’re up to speed.

"At least I look amazing. That trumps true love. Right?"

Courtney made pitiful and practiced excuses that surprised no one. And was receiving the world’s best death glares from the audience. Again, wishing badly I was there.

@inanutshellca “It’s a tough crowd” … Cut to people rolling their eyes. #hilarious #wearedying #bachelor

Despite the fact, that both parties seemed to say they were willing to work on things and thought the worst was over. It was clear to any man, woman and pet watching that this relationship will about as long as Kim Kardashian’s most recent conquest.

Ya, they look happy.

Possibly the most awkward part of the entire episode. The fact that Chris Harrison (!?!??!) had Courtney’s engagement ring and asked if she wanted it back. If you could put a cherry on the proverbial reality tv cake, then he just dumped an entire orchard on there. We couldn’t deal.

@Bakkesy @BenFlajnik are you seriously gunna propose three times in two seasons! #BadBachelorRatio

Ya, because this is normal.

But alas, Courtney managed to slide the rock back on her bony finger and they “happy” (read: miserable) couple was able to force out a smile. Wedding bliss if I’ve ever seen it.

@inanutshellca This is a RIDICULOUS #Afterthefinalrose … like absurd. #bachelor

@inanutshellca @chrisbharrison is like that gf you tell everything to ..but you don’t mean to. Because he’s telling the whole world.” – @megb723 #bachelor

My biggest question was what about LINDZI? Once again, this girl gets completely shunned from the live recap shows? Was she not contractually obliged to show her discarded face? All I really wanted to know was if she had to fast forward over the part of herself asking Ben that if it didn’t work out to “give her a call”. Did her parents pick her broken heart up from the airport in a chariot? Had she finally de-bronzed and de-eyelinered a tad? THESE were the burning questions I had … and I was left with nothing. Perhaps Dumpsville has strict emigration laws. For whatever reason, Lindzi missed her chance to tell the world that Ben, his pre-kiss lip lick, unruly strands and less than admirable ocean behaviour was old news.

Better off? I think so.

And finally, the weirdest / worst ATFR ended with …. Ashley Hebert and JP!??!?!?! Talk about just twiiiiiiisting the knife. “Oh hey Ben! Remember that time you proposed to the spawn of satan? Well let’s grill you about your awful life choices and then bring out the girl who REFUSED your FIRST PROPOSAL on NATIONAL TELEVISION and sent you packing in a DINGHY while she frolicked with the guy she chose over you. Who’s also here. Oh and, they’re super happy and adorable together. And are getting married soon. And she might be carrying his child.”

"What's that? Ben's crying backstage? Ahahahahahahaha." - an actually happy couple.

Reports of Ben Flajnik going bankrupt from immediately consuming every bottle of wine at his vineyard post-ATFR haven’t surfaced yet …..  but I’m sure they will.

And there you have it Bachy Fans …. Probably the saddest ending to the most fun episode of the Bachelor yet. I can only hope that some serious psychos make a showing for Emily Maynard. Brad Womack coming in around the fifth episode à la Shawntel Newton. Eeeeeeee … is it May yet?

Thank you for watching / reading with me! Keep your eyes locked on in a nutshell for more entertainment while we all wait with bated breath. Until then, friends!

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