The Bachelor – FINALE: And they lived … miserably ever after

Guys, this is a seriously sad post. Not just because the #BachyParty’s are over, that there is no less of an excuse to drink on a Monday night, that my weekly dose of drama might have to come from the lives of people I actually know or (most importantly) that in a nutshell will not be posting any Bachelor RECAPS until Emily Maynard takes the stage in MAY (holy far away). No, I’ve been in a state of sheer sorrow all day due to the fact that last night’s finale SUCKED.

After a season that brought us JENNA. Blakely’s scrapbook, Jamie’s lap dance, Casey S’s meltdown, Kacie B’s meltdown, spine crippling analogies, more than one awkward kiss … and did I mention JENNA!?!??! … Ben, the Bach Gods and Chris Harrison (ok, ok not Chris Harrision, who am I kidding) really let us down.

Not only was last night predictable … but it was also kind of boring.

#hairproblems

Ben’s sister proved herself to be a pretty legit human, despite the fact she shares eerily similar hair with her brother which really freaked us out. I guess hairdressers are hard to come by in Sonoma.

Lindzi had a couple awkward moments with Ben’s family but managed to pull off a decent showing, even keeping her class when questioned by the sister about Courtney. What would my response have been? She’s a #*!&#$^ *@!$& !!!!!!!!!!!! (PG website)

Ben's family looks extremely happy for him....

I would have really LOVED to see Ben’s fam unleash the fury on Courtney. Maybe a few slammed doors, someone storming out of a room, tears, a slap or two, eye gouging… I mean THOSE are the kind of things reality TV is made of. But, alas, blindness runs in the Flajnik family with BOTH his sister AND mom coming around and supporting the bit… i mean witch.

I would just love to hear what they both have to say about the situation now … that is, if they could speak through the sobs, moans and tears.

Uhhhh Ben? Why are you sleeping?

After this upsetting seal of approval it was a no brainer that Courtney was going to bring home the ultimate prize (Ben Flajnik!? :S) … so it made it extra painful to sit through Ben’s last, pitiful date with Lindzi. He seemed like he would be more excited to be visiting the dentist (Ashley Hebert? Ok, maybe he really would). And poor Lindzi gushed about how much she loves him. I internally cringed more than when I accidentally pantsed myself in my grade 8 co-ed gym class … Champion snap pants, they’ll get ya.

Us Weekly ‏ @usweekly
The next time we tell a guy we love him, we hope he replies “that’s great.” #bachelo

inanutshell.ca ‏ @inanutshellca
“It’s the first time I’ve been so sure of something” – Lindzi … “Mmmhmmm” – Ben #thebachelor

Courtney’s final date was a little less depressing… maybe only because it provided many opportunities for laughter. Their backwards tandem skiing was awkward at best and when they sledded down the hill we were SURE they were not supposed to be going that fast. Random avalanche care of Chris B Harrison? Ahhh, a globe can dream.

Abominable snowman ... where are you when we need you?

Courtney did manage to one up Blakely with her own special scrapbook. Us weekly definitely said it best here:

Blakely's scrapbook still trumps.

Us Weekly ‏ @usweekly
Somewhere Blakeley is forlornly tossing pages of her “Ben Scrapbook” into a fire while listening to “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” #bachelor

Ben’s had some PRETTY brutal outfits to accompany his VERY brutal hair over the season, but the hanging suspenders had to take the cake. WHAT in God’s name were you thinking here Ben? I am also at this point questioning the legitimacy of Courtney’s career … if you were in fact a model, would you not know a thing or two about fashion, thus, not wanting your beau to look like a complete SHMO. Perhaps it was a subconscious decision by Ben because he didn’t REALLY want Courtney to like him. Maybe? Maybe? Really pulling for your sanity here Ben….

Please tell me this is a joke.

Striking resemblance.

But, Courtney responded with her own fashion faux pas. I can tell you right now … if I was 50 per cent sure that someone was proposing to me on any given evening, I would not wear elbow length GLOVES. Because it’s really romantic to have to remove your Cruella-DeVille-like accessory in order for someone to put a ring on your finger.

Lindzi lost the outfit battle though with a green VELVET cape. I have no words.

inanutshell.ca ‏ @inanutshellca
The capes. “Get worse.” – @katelalu #bachelor

Us Weekly ‏ @usweekly
The dress code for this portion of the #bachelor was “Harry Potter chic”

At least Chris B Harrison looks outstanding.

But as poor Lindz got out of the helicopter first, we knew she was doomed. After Ben’s gallant exit from his own season of the Bachelorette when Ashley refused his proposal and he told her not to “sugar coat it” he certainly became TV’s biggest hypocrite by letting Lindzi down in the most knife-turning way possible.

Somewhere Brad Womack heel clicked for being surpassed as world’s worst Bachelor. (I’m not on your side anymore Big Ben).

Kudos to Lindzi though, for holding it together… untillllllllll she said “If it doesn’t work out, call me?” Sorry Lindzi, Dumpsville is having a “welcome home” celebration for you … you are the guest of honour … and sole inhabitant.

"I don't want to go back to Dumpsville. I don't want to go back to Dumpsville."

Ginny Alexander ‏ @missginnyhelen
Is Lindzi doing the impossible? A whole season with no tears? #bachelor #hero #crushedit

inanutshell.ca ‏ @inanutshellca
Very classy exit Lindzi. “I thought Kacie B was doing well … then came the limo drive” – @Bakkesy #bachelo

Then Cruella Courtney sailed down from her helicopter for truly the most shocking part of the season to date ….. BEN ….. had hit his climax in terrible hair. I was stunned. The rest of the Bachy Party had to revive me. I’m still seeing stars as we speak.

inanutshell.ca ‏ @inanutshellca
“If Courtney says ‘winning’ after … I’m going to lose it” – @Bakkesy #bachelor

inanutshell.ca ‏ @inanutshellca
“I still think Emily has a chance. Somehow. She’s got to.” – @Bakkesy #bachelor

Now, I must say. I am a naysayer when it comes to the Bachelor being scripted. Sure, I can admit that producers make clever edits, ask suggestive questions, “plant” alcohol for the women to get wasted on and lose all sanity but I was a believer in TRUE love, REAL connections and CANDID moments … until … Ben’s terrible proposal.

Not like Courtney really deserved anything better … but seriously Ben!? Do you really want to trick the girl you love into thinking you didn’t pick her!? What kind of SICK JOKE was he trying to pull here.

Of course, it was candy to our fiending eyes. Our male correspondent @Bakkesy left the room.

Literal "can't watch" emoticon

inanutshell.ca ‏ @inanutshellca
BEN WITH THE CURVEBALL. The room just erupted. #unfair #scripted #bachelor

Julia Kent ‏ @kentjulia
Weirdest proposal ever. #thebachelor
Retweeted by inanutshell.ca

And there you have it. As Courtney removed her gloved hand to accept, what I must say was a very gorgeous ring, hearts broke around the globe. Not for Ben, not for Courtney but for humanity. Mothers everywhere cradled their daughters in their arms reassuring them that REAL men go for good girls… right? Wrong Momma. Want to secure a GEM of an engagement ring from a B-List celeb… it’s simple. Ditch your dress and skinny dip on the third date and you’ll live happily ever after … for about 30 minutes anyway.

In a nutshell.

After the final rose commentary ….. to come …… tomorrow.

What a beauty #BachyCrew though... Gonna miss you guys.

3 thoughts on “The Bachelor – FINALE: And they lived … miserably ever after

  1. Allow me to play Devil’s advocate.

    Courtney Robertson is misunderstood. Sure, her behaviour during the competition was kniving and at times two-faced, but this show is based entirely on the premise of survival of the fittest. If one does not stand out, one does not stand a chance.

    That being said, Courtney did what was necessary to capture Ben’s attention and keep it focused on her during the season. Whether that involved bashing the other ladies or occasionally (read: often) going topless, than so be it. It’s Machiavellian politics, people. And it works.

    But I digress. As scornful as she might have appeared during the season, her demeanour during the “After the Final Rose” segment was nothing short of tragic. It’s become quite apparent that her supposed fiancé wants nothing to do with her. This in itself must be devastating. She truly loves this man, that much was evident. No other contestant on the show has had to go through the trials and tribulations to the same degree that she has. And for that reason alone, I say this: give Courtney some time, folks. She is a caring person, a loving person and simply wants the affection of the man that proposed to her amidst the scenic mountaintops of Switzerland.

    She is the most controversial contestant this show has seen in years. She played the role she had to play perfectly. And, if for whatever reason her marriage to Ben does not materialize, I vote that Courtney Robertson be The Bachelorette in a future season!

  2. I say Nay to Jay.
    As I had to catch the latest episodes on Rogers On Demand, my Bachelor comments have been delayed. But, here they are.
    The smartest girl, not seen on this edition of The Bachelor, was Ashley!
    When she rejected Ben’s proposal, she certainly knew what she was doing.
    In a previous comment I said that, from a certain angle, Courtenay did have a certain ressemblance to a dog. I retract that statement as it fell within the category of the United States Supreme Court ruling on cruel and unusual punishment. Actually, on closer examination, Courtenay does have a rather pretty face.
    However, for a model, she possesses very, very bad knees.
    Ben, for the most part, is completely hopeless. I just do not get this guy.
    Up until her desperate and somewhat despicable, “call me, if it doesn’t work out”, I liked Lindzi and
    felt extremely bad for her situation.
    Courtenay and Ben will NEVER marry.
    When a guy is proposing to you in the wilds of Switzerland with the Matterhorn in the background and you, Courtenay, look toward the camera………………..it is, as Ben’s sister (who is, by far, the smarter one in the family – even if she was unable to see the real Courtenay) would say ‘a red flag’.
    For whatever reasons, Courtenay is playing Ben and………………Ben is playing Courtenay………….
    …………………………………………………and may they live separately and, hopefully, happily ever after.
    Oh and Jay, we do agree on at least one thing………. Courtenay has been extremely controversial, as all the world has acknowledged and she MUST be brought back for a future episode of The Bachelorette. The ratings will simply go through the roof!

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