Guys, this is a seriously sad post. Not just because the #BachyParty’s are over, that there is
no less of an excuse to drink on a Monday night, that my weekly dose of drama might have to come from the lives of people I actually know or (most importantly) that in a nutshell will not be posting any Bachelor RECAPS until Emily Maynard takes the stage in MAY (holy far away). No, I’ve been in a state of sheer sorrow all day due to the fact that last night’s finale SUCKED.
After a season that brought us JENNA. Blakely’s scrapbook, Jamie’s lap dance, Casey S’s meltdown, Kacie B’s meltdown, spine crippling analogies, more than one awkward kiss … and did I mention JENNA!?!??! … Ben, the Bach Gods and Chris Harrison (ok, ok not Chris Harrision, who am I kidding) really let us down.
Not only was last night predictable … but it was also kind of boring.
Ben’s sister proved herself to be a pretty legit human, despite the fact she shares eerily similar hair with her brother which really freaked us out. I guess hairdressers are hard to come by in Sonoma.
Lindzi had a couple awkward moments with Ben’s family but managed to pull off a decent showing, even keeping her class when questioned by the sister about Courtney. What would my response have been? She’s a #*!&#$^ *@!$& !!!!!!!!!!!! (PG website)
I would have really LOVED to see Ben’s fam unleash the fury on Courtney. Maybe a few slammed doors, someone storming out of a room, tears, a slap or two, eye gouging… I mean THOSE are the kind of things reality TV is made of. But, alas, blindness runs in the Flajnik family with BOTH his sister AND mom coming around and supporting the bit… i mean witch.
I would just love to hear what they both have to say about the situation now … that is, if they could speak through the sobs, moans and tears.
After this upsetting seal of approval it was a no brainer that Courtney was going to bring home the ultimate prize (Ben Flajnik!? :S) … so it made it extra painful to sit through Ben’s last, pitiful date with Lindzi. He seemed like he would be more excited to be visiting the dentist (Ashley Hebert? Ok, maybe he really would). And poor Lindzi gushed about how much she loves him. I internally cringed more than when I accidentally pantsed myself in my grade 8 co-ed gym class … Champion snap pants, they’ll get ya.
Courtney’s final date was a little less depressing… maybe only because it provided many opportunities for laughter. Their backwards tandem skiing was awkward at best and when they sledded down the hill we were SURE they were not supposed to be going that fast. Random avalanche care of Chris B Harrison? Ahhh, a globe can dream.
Courtney did manage to one up Blakely with her own special scrapbook. Us weekly definitely said it best here:
Ben’s had some PRETTY brutal outfits to accompany his VERY brutal hair over the season, but the hanging suspenders had to take the cake. WHAT in God’s name were you thinking here Ben? I am also at this point questioning the legitimacy of Courtney’s career … if you were in fact a model, would you not know a thing or two about fashion, thus, not wanting your beau to look like a complete SHMO. Perhaps it was a subconscious decision by Ben because he didn’t REALLY want Courtney to like him. Maybe? Maybe? Really pulling for your sanity here Ben….
But, Courtney responded with her own fashion faux pas. I can tell you right now … if I was 50 per cent sure that someone was proposing to me on any given evening, I would not wear elbow length GLOVES. Because it’s really romantic to have to remove your Cruella-DeVille-like accessory in order for someone to put a ring on your finger.
Lindzi lost the outfit battle though with a green VELVET cape. I have no words.
But as poor Lindz got out of the helicopter first, we knew she was doomed. After Ben’s gallant exit from his own season of the Bachelorette when Ashley refused his proposal and he told her not to “sugar coat it” he certainly became TV’s biggest hypocrite by letting Lindzi down in the most knife-turning way possible.
Somewhere Brad Womack heel clicked for being surpassed as world’s worst Bachelor. (I’m not on your side anymore Big Ben).
Kudos to Lindzi though, for holding it together… untillllllllll she said “If it doesn’t work out, call me?” Sorry Lindzi, Dumpsville is having a “welcome home” celebration for you … you are the guest of honour … and sole inhabitant.
Then Cruella Courtney sailed down from her helicopter for truly the most shocking part of the season to date ….. BEN ….. had hit his climax in terrible hair. I was stunned. The rest of the Bachy Party had to revive me. I’m still seeing stars as we speak.
Now, I must say. I am a naysayer when it comes to the Bachelor being scripted. Sure, I can admit that producers make clever edits, ask suggestive questions, “plant” alcohol for the women to get wasted on and lose all sanity but I was a believer in TRUE love, REAL connections and CANDID moments … until … Ben’s terrible proposal.
Not like Courtney really deserved anything better … but seriously Ben!? Do you really want to trick the girl you love into thinking you didn’t pick her!? What kind of SICK JOKE was he trying to pull here.
Of course, it was candy to our fiending eyes. Our male correspondent @Bakkesy left the room.
And there you have it. As Courtney removed her gloved hand to accept, what I must say was a very gorgeous ring, hearts broke around the globe. Not for Ben, not for Courtney but for humanity. Mothers everywhere cradled their daughters in their arms reassuring them that REAL men go for good girls… right? Wrong Momma. Want to secure a GEM of an engagement ring from a B-List celeb… it’s simple. Ditch your dress and skinny dip on the third date and you’ll live happily ever after … for about 30 minutes anyway.
In a nutshell.
After the final rose commentary ….. to come …… tomorrow.