The Bachelor recap – Episode 9: Courtney can’t cry, Kacie B can’t be, and Nicki can’t not know.

Bach lovers, it’s coming to an end. Have you mentally prepared yourself for the fact that soon Monday’s will go back to being the bleakest day of the week? That your bad hair days will suddenly be amplified because you won’t have Ben Flajnik to compare yourself to? That you, like women everywhere, will have to give up on love completely when Ben inevitably proposes to Courtney and somewhere an angel loses it’s wings?

I sure haven’t.

But luckily, they’re gonna give us a doozie of an ending to this ridiculous season. Last night was a TREAT.

Ben’s first date of the night was with Nicki …. if you could call it a date. It felt more like a “I’m just trying to be nice because I don’t know you and you might be cray” … rather than I “I just met your parents and may propose in two weeks” kind of date.

"I wonder what Courtney's doing right now..."

"It pains me that you're still talking right now... " -Ben

Although we usually love Nicki because she is adorable and sane, we had to say she was talking WAY too much. I’m going to try and keep things PG here because in a nutshell is a page for all viewing audiences. But this was the FANTASY SUITE night. Zip. It. Nicki. I think the last thing Ben wants to do right now is talk…

Second date of the night saw Lindzi have to face her fate … that she is the one that Ben seems to enjoy throwing off of air transportation and cliffs. Seriously Ben! Why does Lindzi always have to plummet? She made some sort of reference to Ben also being afraid of heights but we believe he is not afraid of them at all. In fact, he loves them. They give him a reason to make more analogies, which is his favourite pass-time next to looking up ways to make his hair more awful.

Wow! This looks so fun! And not awkward or weird AT ALL!

Worst of all was they didn’t even plummet off the cliff … they repelled slowly and awkwardly. It was probably the worst possible activity.

God I look good...

I would have chosen dressing up like a wizard over bobbing down a cliff. They were equipped with hilarious helmet cams though to film each other’s fear – great touch, Bach Gods, you never miss!

With the impending fantasy suite we had to think back to Lindzi’s confession that she’s only ever had one boyfriend and it was dumpsville. “Welcome to Sexville, population… not you.” – Jess, on Lindzi’s experience.

She did wear a smokin dress to the latter portion of the evening though and when the camera was forced out of the suite, her bum was practically exposed. We could practically hear Courtney chime in “What’s her butt is stealin’ my man .. ha HA”. Bone chilling.

In a nutshell might be PG ... but The Bachelor is NOT. Avert your eyes.

While Ben seemed more into Lindzi and still positive about Nicki’s blind date … he actually seemed to be dreading Courtney’s. FINALLY he was going to confront her on her behaviour with the other girls … you should have seen our faces. It was like we were six year olds and Dad brought home a My Little Pony for us. Wow. Elation. But, the mop-head failed to follow through and was quickly distracted by Whoretney’s wiley ways. It kept trying to cut to a Courtney confessional where she was getting choked up about Ben doubting her … but the black hearted biotch could not blink out any.

I swear, I'm trying.

“She had her tear ducts removed as a cyborg child,” Jess on the half human.

I think at the “After the Final Rose” show they should make all the girls enter a competition to see who could imitate the best Courtney “ha HA” … winner should receive the money that’s gained after her engagement ring goes to the pawn shop.

"I am SO into this"

OBVIOUSLY Courtney and Ben gave the go-ahead to the Fantasy Suite .. I mean they already got it on in the ocean. #nobrainer

I’m not even really going to comment on the Emily Maynard preview that when here in the show because it was incredibly corny. I do love her though and cannot WAIT to see the men just go completely gaga over her. Maybe Bentley will be back? COULD you imagine.

The highlight of this week’s show was definitely when Kacie B. casually came to SWITZERLAND to get closure from Ben. I get it, you didn’t realize your family completely destroyed any chance you had of walking away with the prize that is Ben Flajnik … but couldn’t this wait the 2 WEEKS until he got back to North America? Of course not. Switzerland is the perfect destination really, neutral territory.

Ben: "Shoot me"

So poor Kacie B. had to relive the rejection, while a pretty on-his-toes Ben said in a muuchhh nicer way “Your family ruined it for you, you’re clearly still a child. And cray.” … in a nutshell.

“She’s gonna blow up the B’s!” Jess, on more arson from KB.

She then turned the subject to the spawn of Satan and warned him that she just wants to “WIN” it like Charlie Sheen.

“She’s never been more legit in her crazy episode,” Meghan on momentarily siding with B.

Ben seemed legit RATTLED that the love of his life may be a female replica of the tiger blood drinking madman and promptly got rid of B. She then decided to lie down on the floor in the hall and we all secretly prayed Ben would open the door and see her there. That or Chris B. Harrison would come be the knight in shining armour that he is and sweep her into an upright position.

completely rational action ... you did just fly to Switzerland to try and sabatoge your two month life fake boyfriend's current relationship.

Neither thing happened. Bach Gods fail.

This is the big leagues, girl. Step it up.

Despite the multitude of evidence that Ben is about to put a ring on the craziest person since …. Well, the last season of the Bachelor, Whoretney “got the rooo-ose” in the end. (Anyone else still have that autotune stuck in their heads?). And poor, sweet, friend-zone Nicki has sent packing. To be fair, if roses were handed out based on wardrobe, than Nicki definitely deserved the boot. Her toga dress was really not workin for us.

"WTF are you thinking Ben."

And then there were two. Gonna be a doozie of a final episode. Can’t wait to see Courtney fake emotion as Ben gets down on one knee. Hope Chris B. Harrison tackles him as it’s happening, saving the day. Not taking any bets on that one,

Until next week, Bachelorinos…

#BachPool standings

We stopped keeping track. Since everyone is now left with the same people there is no room for overtaking. I’m upset. I’m rattled. I’m angry … and I’m declaring revenge for #BACHlorettePool2012

Congratulations Shannon for coming in first, Kate with a respectable second and Rhiannon bringing up the rear with a third place finish. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry.

Also, Jenna’s blog is live:http://theoveranalyst.net/

… you’re welcome.

Also, another treat found by the only anti-Bachelor nut, Kaylee. (Crazier than Courtney? Maybe.)

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