The Bachelor Recap – Episode 7: Sharks and other scary things.

You might have expected us at in a nutshell to do something really sweet for Valentine’s Day. I mean, it’s not secret that we’re a little obssesed with each other and have done a number of posts gushing about the true love we’ve found in our soulmates, our best friends. Or maybe, you were expecting a creative recipe post “Just the cutest cupcakes you’ve ever seen” … sure to cut to the core of any man’s heart – his stomach. Right? Or what about a music playlist to steam things up a little this evening – Sinatra, Bublé, Shaggy .. all the classics.

But, come on now, nuts. Could there BE a more appropriate Valentine’s Day post than a recap of the quintessential romance of our time – The BACHELOR. No, nuts. No, there is not.

If you are in a relationship, by reading this you can be thankful. Thankful that you are not constantly meeting crazies like Courtney. Or, that you’re with someone who doesn’t use spine crippling analogies at every possible given opportunity like Ben Flajnik. And if you read this and are thinking, “Actually, my boyfriend DOES do that … or yes, my girlfriend does get a twitch in her eye as though she was posessed by the devil TOO.” Well then, in a nutshell has served a life-altering purpose. And when you reach the hills that you’ve ran to, you can send us a thank you note.

But, perhaps even a bigger sigh of relief will come reading this if you’re single. Why, spouseless nuts? Because. You, unlike the people on this show, have not stooped to the level of reality TV to find love. Probably, because you have your sanity. And that my friends, is better than any bouquet of red roses, heart shaped box of choclates, or plush stuffed teddy. (Ok, fine.. maybe not the teddy.)

With that said, last night’s episode of the Bachelor was by far the worst one yet for three reasons: 1) Ben has managed to weed out the likes of *most* of our favourites / the craziest women on the planet – Jenna, Blakely, Jennifer – etc. Entertainment value is suffering. There was no one left to curl up in fedal position and declare their premature love. 2) There wasn’t nearly enough Chris B. Harrison 3) Ben proved that he is a COMPLETE. IDIOT. More to follow.

But, we managed to make the most of it having the BEST hashtag-BachyParty, yet. Complete with a scrapbook tribute to Blakley and live appearance from our male correspondent @Bakkesy and sidekick (sorry, I’m not as nice as Jess) @jamesmay021

The show started out with promise, as instantly Nicki was minus 10 points for saying she’s falling in love with Ben and then sobbing to the camera. Six minutes in. This is what I live for.  While she lost complete composure, Lindzi secured the one on one (Jess was elated, serious #girlcrush). But their date quickly turned into the most annoying date in Bachelor history. Naysayers, say nay all you want. But the fact that they were jumping out of a helicopter into water made for the cheesiest conversation about taking leaps of faith and …. I can’t even go on. It is still making my skin crawl.

Just plummet and get it over with. Save us. Please

“Making out while doggy paddling seems like it would be very tiring,” – Kate, on the couple that can overcome any obstacle.

Courtney had a mini breakdown with Emily got the second one on one date. She was crying and we were rejoicing. Everything was glorious until she did one of her infamous “ha HA’s” and I was shaken to my core. God that woman is frightening.

— commercial break —

We died watching this. You’re welcome. “I got the ro-ose”

igottheroose

— and now back to the program —

Emily looks like a blonde Rachel McAdams and Ben's hair is as bad as Owen Wilson's ... this scene is wedding crashers remade

Emily was in contention to be MVB again (three-peat). Seriously, we love her. And she is getting a PhD, which means she is le-git. Even when she said “If only my boyfriend didn’t have five other girlfriends, this would be great!” we were like YES. At least you have a grasp on reality! Unlike anyone that’s ever been on The Bachelor before. In history.

Courtney got partial redemption, however, when she was picked for the final one on one date of the week. Their date was probably the coolest one, visiting ancient ruins. But, you could see that Courtney, the model, didn’t care. at. all. She just wanted to sip from her water glass (did no one else find that incredibly out of place)? And complain about life as a model and bachelor contestant.

Push her off, Ben. Push. her. off.

“I had a tough day yesterday” – Courtney … “Another tough day yesterday?” – Ben …. This is what your life could be like, Ben. EVERY. DAY.

Courtney also revealed that in her spare time she’s an active COD player when she showed off her kill shot skills. Screenname: CrayCourt

But she REALLY topped off the night when she said in an indignant voice: “My job is rough. I am the TALENT.” Courtney. Just. Wow.

Turn those guns on yourself, Courtney. Save humanity.

@inanutshellca @Bakkesy cannot take Courtney any longer #groaning #thebachelor

The group date saw the rest of the ladies pile into a boat and do what every girl dreams of doing to fall in love. SWIM WITH SHARKS. Um, hello. When did Bachelor become survival of the fittest? Pretty sure everyone at our #BachyParty would have been sent home after blood curddling screams, wails and wetting the boat.

Nothing says romance like losing a limb.

@Bakkesy Sharks scare me. Courtney terrifies me #psycho. @inanutshellca

Somehow they managed to get through that, even though Kacie B. hilariously stated “This isn’t fun anymore.”

She ALSO hilariously stated TO BEN that she was falling in love with him which meant a full RESET of her points in our #BachPool … about effing time. I was pumped, Kate was not.

The group date girls also gave ben the low-down on the Cray Whoretney situation and it APPEARED he had listened when he skipped the rose ceremony and then in a moment of heart-stopping TV mastery, asked to see Courtney before giving out the roses.

@inanutshellca Ben will pull Courtney aside. Courtney will tell Ben exactly what he wants to hear. Courtney will still not go home. #benyoushouldgohome #thebachelor

If I had been there I would have been chanting "Walk the plank! Walk the plank!" ... and then I would have been sent home.

And that is EXACTLY what he did. Saying siyanara to Rachel the hottie and Emily, our favourite.

Both girls were crushed, obvs. And Courtney, staying true to form left us with this: See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

"I got the rooo-ose"

#b!*ch

We are QUITE excited however to meet Courtney’s family next week. We wonder if they’ll be in full warlock attire or if they’ll put on Muggle clothes for the cameras.

#BachPoolStandings

Shannon 367
Kate 351 (ha!)
Rhiannon 288
Jess 271
Catherine 268 (victory is within reach … or maybe 3rd place anyway)
Meghan 208

Until next week, addicts.

Oh and a very Happy Valentines Day from everyone at in a nutshell. Make sure to show the special ones in your life some love today, ESPECIALLY your very best girlfriends.

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