The Bachelor Recap – Episode 5: baseball, birthday suits and blindsides

It’s pretty clear that the Bachelor-loving nut + friends contingency are pretty competitive right? I mean, we only took an innocent girls night of watching our favourite reality TV show and turned it into a competitive pool, which is seeing friendships strained and almost as many trembling lips in the living room as there are on girls on the show. But, it’s all in good fun right? (not. at. all)

So for a bunch of fiesty ladies yesterday’s Puerto Rico episode was scene after scene of fierceness that would  get the Tyra / Beyoncé’s gears going….

Nikki, FINALLY got a one on one (fist pump) after going weeks with being a group favourite despite making no real interesting moves.  When the date card came are inaugural MVB, Emily, translated the spanish istantly and re-installed our faith in her after she almost sent herself packing last week. Smart girls = legit girls. We salute you.

As Nikki set sail on her date (like actually, she could have used a boat) the skies decided to douse the pair with a heavy rainfall and of course, analogies ensued. Nikki kept a positive attitude though which reminded us why she’s one of our faves. She also managed to not laugh in Ben’s face when they decided to dress authentically and his fadora and white linens had me humming Mambo Number Five for the remainder of the evening …(which is actually a really appropriate Bachelor song if you think about it, new themesong? Step aside David Gray.)

Is that a trumpet in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Back at the homestead, the group date was announced leaving one girl to get the last one on one. My sleeper pick – Elyse – who has proved in recent episodes to be more scary and less anything that a man would ever want, gave me a glimmer of hope when she was able to snatch it.

I saw this face in my nightmares last night

Blakely had a mini meltdown, since she hasn’t had a one on one … but didn’t know she was about to be on the best group date of Bachelor history.

“Is she older than the grandma that came on?” Kelly, on Blakely.

The next day was the group date “diamonds are a girls best friend” … which had the players (how appropriate) divide into two teams. That ageless stud of man, Chris Harrison, showed up on a megaphone to announce that the losing team wouldn’t get to go on the second portion of the date.

OH BABY. If we weren’t already on the edge of our seats we are now. Slide tackles, tears, baseball bats, striking out, tears, Ben in a baseball get-up, tears … the Bachelor Gods should win a Golden Globe.

Everyone is having a great time.

Lindzi was selected, by Ben,  to bat for both teams (would Blakely not have been a more appropriate choice – cue lesbian scene from episode one) … which meant she’d get to go on the date either way … definitely hint that she’s a favourite. (got her, yesss.)

We were just thrilled to see that Blakely did not show up in a onesie for baseball, she’s learning. More than just learning she ended up DOMINATING the field and definitely won our MVB(P) award. Most valuable baseball player.

Sweet little Kacie B. didn’t hold back with f-bombs and lots of name calling when the red team seemed to be in despair. We even almost liked Courtney for a second when she said “I didn’t know strippers (Blakely) could play baseball.” … Legit funny, but we still hate you.

Despair in it's most pure form.

If the high stress situation wasn’t enough, I think the soundtrack to JAWS was playing in the background during the game. Despite, Blakely’s stellar performance Jennifer struck out (*foreshadowing, kids*) for the blue team sending them back to the bus (aka cra(z)y train). Blakely fell apart on the ride home, reminiscent of when she cowered behind the luggage in episode two.

oh. hi.

If anyone scored points in MY books during the group date it was Ben who was at the height of his hilarity, calling the game ever-so-appropriately a ‘Batale Royale’ (my fave saying) and made hilarious comments to the camera after Courtney suggested skinny dipping. “Where do I start … The idea to go skinny dipping was brought up … F*!k.”

He also had a tender moment with Kacie B. who was sporting a MEAN Lionel Ritchie Jerry Curl, when he explained that most of the girls he’s dated haven’t loved him back … “It’d be cruel if they flashed that proposal (with Ashley) right now.” – Jess, on pity.

leave the show. find a salon.

Here, in my notes on the show I have: ELYSE SUCKS! written. And I cannot really sum it up much more than that.

She was just atrocious from the beginning, wearing way too much make up and talking about getting married – like, right then and there. on. the. first. date.

Sleeper pick?

You frighten me. Straight up.

More like I-wish-I-could-claim-I-was-asleep-when-I-made-that pick. Despite their ideal date setting (yacht. Helloooo.) It was no surprise when Ben opted not to give her the rose and cast her out into the waves via dingie … our favourite mode of transportation after rejection.

Not to mention it was to the tune of THIS YEAR’S LOVE. Ben Flajnik has ruined this song for everyone. Not only is it the only musical score he knows how to play, it is his soundtrack to every possible life situation. One more time and I’m deleting it from my iTunes.

A wasted Courtney saw her luggage being taken out and pounced on the opportunity to be a slu- by surprising Ben at his dwellings with some wine and little else.

Despite Ben’s reservations … in other words, “Mmmmm”ing like Grover at the prospect, the model triumphed in convincing him to shed his clothes and show off his “butt” (only word in the Cray-Court vocabulary). We’re all pretty sure they did more than just doggy paddle in the waves……………..
Leaving it at that.

"What's her butt" ... literally.

Ginny summed up all of our thoughts when she said, “Die in a fire you sk—k.” Violent, but appropriate. (skunk, obvs. This is a PG website.)

At the rose ceremony we were shocked to see Jamie (where have you BEEN!) get a rose, even though she should have won by default at episode one for being an adorable nurse that raised her whole family. Step up your game, orphan Annie, we need some points from you.

Lindzi got the first rose, and Courtney followed closely behind. “Of course she got a rose, she’s carrying his child,” – Jess, on Courtney.

“Neptune.” – Ginny, on the baby created in the ocean.

Then, despite Emily sinking (water analogy) herself AGAIN and still valiantly trying to tell Ben that Courtney is Cray … he gave her the last rose, shocking everyone (literal gasp) and BLINDSIDING poor Jennifer. She remarkably held it together at first – remember, this is the chick that was dropping the l-bomb after group date number one – before falling apart at the seams and making us wonder if she has asthma. 

I could not find a single picture of Jennifer crying ... probably because it was too horrific for the internet. This paints the scene well, however.

Scenes from the next couple of episodes had our eyes glued and everyone making different predictions as to who Ben will pick. A friend of a friend, who is an avid spoiler reader, said we will be SHOCKED by the outcome … and a flash of a Black Swan dress at the finale has us thinking Courtney might become the future ex-finace of our dapper Mr. Flajnik.

Time will tell!

MVB was a bit of a toss up, but I am awarding it to Nikki for a stellar one on one, keeping her clothes on and her sanity in check. Well done, that’s no easy feat in the Bach World.

Pool standings after week five

Kate – 298 points

Shannon – 269 points

Rhainnon 263 points

Jess – 216 points

Meg AND Cat K – 178 points

… I’m not even going to rant. I am now (tied) for last. It’s hopeless, I’m upset and I am totally requestioning my judge of character … and my life.

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