The Bachelor Recap – Episode 4: L-bombs, cat fights and more annoying analogies

Folks, I’m not going to lie, I feel awful. I’ve been just slammed with a terrible flu and it’s caused me to take the day off work, put my hair in a sumo bun and groan at the thought of leaving my bed. But, there’s no way I could let the day pass without my weekly Bachelor recap. Especially after an episode like last night.

Personally, last week’s had just a little more insane drama (we crave it) but when the opening scenes played rather triumphant music of Ben prancing around on a horse … we knew we were in for a treat.

The first one on one date went to Rachel (who ALL of us have in our pool). As Rachel was about to be whisked away in a helicopter (of course) Kacie B. had a mini-meltdown, getting REAL emo with the camera and saying she can’t stand seeing Ben leave in a helicopter with other girls. Don’t you hate when that happens? So many of MY potential suitors have lost me over that …. right.

While at first we were all rooting for the very pretty and raspy voiced Rach, she provided us with the most AWKWARD date in Bach history.

“PLEASE say something,” – Meghan on the awk encounter

Just can't take their eyes off each other ...

Crickets could be heard as they sat and stared off into space.

...... wow .......

And we were in stitches when Ben finally tried to break the ice by saying “That’s a beaver dam”. Realllllllly pulling at straws there.

She managed to redeem herself in the later part of the evening and Ben didn’t send her packing despite our initial thoughts.

The group date started off with a SPLASH (see what I did there) when Ben took the girls fly fishing. Courtney who made it very clear that this was her first GROUP date was able to annoy the *!#@ out of the other girls, by playing COY in the water (somebody stop me). She even managed to catch a fish.

Kiss itttt ... maybe it'll turn into a prince and you can leave poor Ben alone

“5 points if you cash a fish!?” – Meghan trying to secure any points possible for her three remaining girls.

And OF COURSE in true Bachelor fashion, the fish in analogies were endless “If you can catch a fish, you can catch a man.” “She’s a natural, which means she might be a naturally good partner in life.” No Ben, if you continue to make these analogies, you will die alone, belly up. Flush your love life down the toilet now.

Whattttddddyoooouuuu mean I'm not here for the right reeeashons? #sluryourselfhomeSammy

The second portion of the evening, saw people not knowing how to dress! Courtney was basically wearing a prom dress while Ben wore a hoodie and the other girls fell somewhere in between. The highlight of the night was a toss up between Nikki FINALLY GETTING A POINT, or when Ben sent Samantha packing for being drunk and annoying.

“Oh gaaaaaad, it’s like a teacher talking to a student,” – Jess on the badass scolding Ben gave Samantha before saying buh bye.

Despite Kacie B. finally getting the alone time she’d been pining for (she probably has his name tattooed on her wrist by now … runs in the name) Cray-Courtney managed to steal the group date rose by wining to Ben how hard of a time she’s having. Smart girl, but still cray.

Meanwhile, back at the house we were brought into Blakely’s beauty salon. The VIP cocktail waitress / at home stylist (apparently) was just casually colouring Emily’s hair.

VIP cocktailing really doesn't pay the bills....

I must take a moment to say, perhaps the funniest part of the night was all the texts we were receiving from other friends watching the episode.

Honourable mention to Ginny’s text: “1) of course she would know how to use foils 2) you know you’re old when you’re rocking a scrunchie”

Jennifer really kept her cray under control on the second one on one date she managed to score. After plunging into a cave together …

RT @Bakkesy Rock climbing date, cue the “if we can make it through this we can make it through anything” lines @catkitts

Take the plunge ... in life and love.

And of course that happened.

Not awkward at all...... :|

Another mutual sigh could be heard throughout the apartment when there was yet another #awkwardfortheband moment. Jennifer and Ben danced on a platform before having the crowd part for them, so that they could dance front and centre. Attention all members of the male population … never arrange for this to happen. We’re pretty sure we saw a cameo from Anna Faris, who seemed to be the Bachelor’s biggest fan to the right of the dancing pair.

We did have a chuckle thinking about our dearly departed Jenna, however. “Can you imagine Jenna on this date, crying and crowd surfing…. in a  wizard costume.” – Jess on the greatest contestant of all time.

Text from Rhiannon: “Hate this awkward dancing, come on theme of the show.”

Anna Faris: #nutsforthebachelor

The rose ceremony was by far the most dramatic part of the evening when Emily and Courtney had a virtual showdown. Emily made a HUGE mistake (come on MVB, we had faith in you!) when she wined to Ben about Courtney being cray. Legit Em, but now you look cray too.

When Kasey or Kacie or Casey S (having trouble knowing how to spell her name since she’s hardly been on the show) had her gurrrrrl’s back and told Courtney that Emily was talking sh–, Courtney responded with the calm and natural response of “I’m going to shave her eyebrows while she sleeps.” … Wow. #CourtneyisCray

He “ha ha’s” are some of the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen on television and Emily dropped another 10 notches in her books when Court confronted her and she DENIED it. Man up E-Dawg. You should have said loud and clear: You. Are. A. Psycho … we woulda fist pumped for ya. Especially since Courtney said “WINNING” not once, but twice in the episode. Being compared to Charlie Sheen would be my first goal when trying to wheel a new man.

I don't know who made this, but it's perfect

My dismal pick, Elyse, continued to also be so scary, but SOMEHOW secured a rose. #dontquestionit

While, we were nervous for our former MVB that her child-like behaviour would make Ben, who was putting girls in their place like it was his JOB last night, send her home … she got the last rose and Monica (you’ve contributed nothing) got the boot.

The night ended with one more key Courtney line, when they announced the next tropical destination and she announced “I was there two weeks ago.” Bakkesy said it best -“Shut UP Courtney.”

With so many of our hopefuls (Rachel, Emily, Lindzi…) contributing nothing, it was hard to pick this week’s MVB. That’s why we’ve decided to give it to our GURLwizard: JENNA … We still miss you homegirl. Think about you all the time and how brutal you would be in every scenario.

MVW! MVW! MVW! Most valuable wizard!

And there you have it kids. Will you be surprised to hear that I am STILL in last place in our pool. STILL trailing behind Meghan who has two less people than I do. STILL behind Jess who doesn’t have a clue how the Bachelor works. In the rear after Kate and Rhiannon who weren’t even there to count their own points. And Shannon, who didn’t even catch up on last week’s episode!?

I have no words.

Standings* after week four:

Kate: 217 points

Rhiannon: 199 points

Shannon: 198 points

Jess: 153 points

Meghan: 143 points

ME: 133 points

New calculations for missed points were made today when Meghan made an excel spreadsheet of our points. YA. That happened.

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