Man’s Digest: What NOT To Wear

So, I’m working away at my desk yesterday when a colleague excitedly comes over to me. We work in the city, and he’s spent his lunch-break in the department store next to our building doing a spot of shopping.  Dave (not his real name, but my favourite fake name) is digging around in his bag and pulls out a great white t-shirt….  Oh… wait…
it’s not a plain white v-neck t-shirt that’s tight around the chest and shoulders, but not too tight around the waist….  It’s a plain white round neck t-shirt that’s got a picture of a hot dog on it…  And not a hilarious novelty hot dog, but a badly focused photo of an actual hot dog.

Tastes Delicious. Looks Ridiculous.

He may as well have stapled an actual hot dog to a regular undershirt shirt. Gentlemen, point 1.  A v-neck t-shirt, if not overdone, is your friend. A round neck undershirt with pictures of food on it, is not.  You want a little v, that maybe just shows the edge of your collar-bone.  For my…hairier… comrades the trick here is that you don’t want to look like you are transitioning into a wolf-man.  A hint is ok, a thicket is not.

Frankly I think I belong in the era when getting dressed was something carefully planned and considered.  The problem with mens fashion today is that it’s too easy.  Jeans and a hockey or football jersey is the fashion equivalent of the microwave, and too many men today are risking salmonella.

This is when I should have lived. Back when men dressed with care. Sure they also died early from smoking related cancers after years of oppressing women, gays and black people, but they looked sharp.

So, following below are my tips for the modern day sartorially conscious man. I’ve even kept them reasonably simple… No Patricia Field type style suggestions, I promise.

1) Trousers
Not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line my fellow fellows forgot how to wear trousers.  And jeans.  And sweats. Hot tip boys – as surprising as it might be to you NO ONE wants to see your underwear.  Yes, even IF its your one pair of Calvin Kleins.  Mark Walhberg can pull it off…  You cannot.  BUT, equally NO ONE wants to see your Moose Knuckle (Google it…  you’ll regret it, but at least you won’t die wondering) Harry Highpants, your trousers should sit at the hip, not the sternum, and the cuff should sit at the bottom of your ankle, not the bottom of your foot.

2. High “Vis”
If you are a construction worker you MUST wear high visibility clothing, we get that.  In fact we applaud that.  We value your safety.  But unless you are attending a themed party, then the only ‘sight’ that your high vis should see, is the construction ‘site’. (See what I did there?)

3. Sweat Pants
Only with underwear.  Never without.  Also, for the gym and the house, never for the shops.

4. Runners and Dress Pants
Are you Jerry Seinfeld?  Is it 1997? No???  So then why the hell are you ruining your suit (and look) by teaming them with runners.  I have fallen arches, I get it….  it’s uncomfortable walking in your dress shoes…  but it’s also uncomfortable for
everyone around you to see you looking so foolish.  The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, dirtbag, put your shoes back on.

5.  The Wide Lapel
Not even Lou Bega pulled it off convincingly.  A medium lapel, with your shirt collar staying within the limits of your suit jackets says Modern Man.  A wide lapel, with an extra wide collared shirt pulled over the lapel says Mambo No. 5.

Lou Bega...come on.

 6. Ed Hardy
Was horrendous from the day a drunk vomited glitter and rhinestones onto a hat and thought it looked cool.  Then, like a weird ugly, bedazzled Gremlin it has spawned several million other pieces of apparel, all equally as horrendous.  Don’t let it into your
house, and certainly never… never… touch it.

Who might this guest be?
Located in Canberra, Australia, Simon Puckett is Inanutshell’s first international contributor. Simon is basically the best thing that happened to nutshell contributor, Meghan, in Europe…and she saw the Pope. He is the most witty and wonderful friend and writes a hillarious blog www.simon-thingsihateaboutyou.blogspot.comIf you enjoy Meghan’s Pet Peeves, you will undoubedtly love Simon’s hillarious take on the world!

If you want to be our next guest contributor, please contact us at inanutshellca@gmail.com!

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One thought on “Man’s Digest: What NOT To Wear

  1. Pingback: Pet Peeve of the Week | inanutshellca

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